Thursday, September 11, 2003
She often puzzled over how others perceived her. Growing up in an isolated fashion had stunted her social sense and had caused much pain over the years. Through many painful experiences she had learned to be wary of the group and its hate mentality. She exercised a self-isolation now. It was far better to be alone than the target of the group.
But still at times, she longed for the warmth of healthy companionship. Someone with whom to laugh, cry, fight, share, discuss, ponder, bitch, whine, explore… But there were always such strings attached, so much pain that went with the warmth. It simply was better to stick with the internet, computer games, her dogs and cat and TV. Her evenings usually went quickly, even staying awake until 1:00 in the morning because she didn’t want to lose precious moments to sleep.
Always harassing though, was the sense of purposelessness. Why was she here? What was she supposed to be doing with her time? She had tried volunteerism but that too had been a painful experience. She was not a player at work, not into organized religion. A horrible skin rash had followed her attempt to be a better steward of her yard.
A few years back she had taken two Spanish courses at the community college. Now she began to center on her health, losing weight, exercising regularly. She marked off her time at work studiously, sometimes counting the hours in 15 minute intervals. She savored her outside time, warming sunshine, massaging breezes, soothing colors of green leaves against a blue sky, calming sounds of insects and birds. That was on the good weather days of course. But even now that was tempered by the fear of insect bites. She really didn’t know what caused the skin rash. Perhaps it was just emotional isolation?
What was the meaning of life? How did she grow closer to her higher power? Nag, nag, nag. It was worse than the nag screens on a shareware computer game. It was internal, ceaseless except in moments of diversion. She was very thankful not to be suffering from war, starvation, privation as in so many others in the world did. But was her spiritual stagnation, her isolation a form of privation? How could she break out?
If you have any answers to my dilemma, please go to my website and contact me! Help!!
Rosalind 9:42 AM
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