Tuesday, October 09, 2012
And It Is Over
August 12, 2012
She realized that her cat was the living being that she had resided with longer than anyone or anything else - ever. That made her sad. And the cat was sick now and his time was coming to the end. She knew she would cry inconsolably when she had to put him down. There was the dog at least for awhile longer. But she was aging too and had slowed down considerably.
The last man in her life was one she had loved, enjoyed looking at, thrilled when they were close. But being close was a very rare occurrence. They seldom did anything together, squabbled when they did, never talked about their relationship, their sex life was poor and they didn’t share common life plans or goals.
She loved dining out, taking walks, visiting museums and cities, working in the yard and gardens, playing bridge online and watching science shows and documentaries on TV. He liked hunting and fishing, combing through the world wide web for hours, making believe that he had a close family (his mother was still living and he had 4 sons, 5 siblings and umpteen nieces and nephews) and watching sports, hunting and fishing shows, cowboy and action movies like Kill Bill. They both enjoyed the ocean, but he fished and she walked the beach alone.
She wanted to save up to retire with a healthy nest egg and invest in fixing the house up as part of that goal. He loved to spend money and always ordered extras on the rare occasions when they ate out raising the bill unnecessarily. He didn’t enjoy working in the yard, or fixing things in the house. She did not enjoy deep housecleaning – always putting off until it had to be done – although she did keep up with the clutter and dishes.
That meant hiring people to clean, to fix and to maintain their dwelling – a very expensive proposition that took away from her goal of a non-poor retirement. He wanted to spend money on guns and hunting gear. Deer season and college football season were a very important part of his life. She wondered how he would fare now that his beloved Penn State and Joe Pa had fallen mightily. He refused to help move the logs from a cut down tree – she was doing it herself. He refused to help dig up a new location for a vegetable garden that was sunnier – she did it herself. She knew that the fall hedge clipping and leaf raking would be a nightmare again – his endless complaining and griping and her doing most of the labor.
The worst had been her adjustment to an intestinal operation she had undergone 9 months before she had met him. The operation was successful at first, but her guts had a tendency to twist especially when she got emotionally stressed. It had lead to a long bout of anemia and dehydration. A second operation had been necessary – but in the interim he had let her lie in bed without asking if she wanted something to eat, let her lie in a hospital bed alone, when he knew that he would be her only visitor. After the operation there were further complications, leading to three emergency room visits. He was so uncomfortable sitting with her, that she felt badly keeping him there and encouraged him to go home. She began to feel that he had some sort of emotional problem – and told him so. That didn’t go over very well.
That was juxtapositioned against an industrial accident in which his son lost part of his hand. He drove to the hospital everyday for a week, staying all day. She knew then that he was capable of caring, he just wasn’t caring toward her. She felt as though she had been used, that her love had been one-sided.
She realized that she had been depressed by his lack of caring and missing the intimacy and companionship that a real relationship should bring. She stopped doing and giving to him and he became unhappy too.
So it ended. But the pain of separation was there and the thought of having no one to lean on was depressing. She would go on, survive, enjoy male company – but would she dare give her heart away again? Could she fall in love, openly giving of herself, openly desiring a deep, meaningful relationship, leaving herself unprotected and open to abuse?
“They” say it takes time and only time will tell, but she -- I am optimistic. I look forward to a new beginning, new opportunities, new adventures, new people; perhaps even a new relationship…
Rosalind 12:15 AM
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