Tuesday, October 09, 2012
And It Is Over
August 12, 2012
She realized that her cat was the living being that she had resided with longer than anyone or anything else - ever. That made her sad. And the cat was sick now and his time was coming to the end. She knew she would cry inconsolably when she had to put him down. There was the dog at least for awhile longer. But she was aging too and had slowed down considerably.
The last man in her life was one she had loved, enjoyed looking at, thrilled when they were close. But being close was a very rare occurrence. They seldom did anything together, squabbled when they did, never talked about their relationship, their sex life was poor and they didn’t share common life plans or goals.
She loved dining out, taking walks, visiting museums and cities, working in the yard and gardens, playing bridge online and watching science shows and documentaries on TV. He liked hunting and fishing, combing through the world wide web for hours, making believe that he had a close family (his mother was still living and he had 4 sons, 5 siblings and umpteen nieces and nephews) and watching sports, hunting and fishing shows, cowboy and action movies like Kill Bill. They both enjoyed the ocean, but he fished and she walked the beach alone.
She wanted to save up to retire with a healthy nest egg and invest in fixing the house up as part of that goal. He loved to spend money and always ordered extras on the rare occasions when they ate out raising the bill unnecessarily. He didn’t enjoy working in the yard, or fixing things in the house. She did not enjoy deep housecleaning – always putting off until it had to be done – although she did keep up with the clutter and dishes.
That meant hiring people to clean, to fix and to maintain their dwelling – a very expensive proposition that took away from her goal of a non-poor retirement. He wanted to spend money on guns and hunting gear. Deer season and college football season were a very important part of his life. She wondered how he would fare now that his beloved Penn State and Joe Pa had fallen mightily. He refused to help move the logs from a cut down tree – she was doing it herself. He refused to help dig up a new location for a vegetable garden that was sunnier – she did it herself. She knew that the fall hedge clipping and leaf raking would be a nightmare again – his endless complaining and griping and her doing most of the labor.
The worst had been her adjustment to an intestinal operation she had undergone 9 months before she had met him. The operation was successful at first, but her guts had a tendency to twist especially when she got emotionally stressed. It had lead to a long bout of anemia and dehydration. A second operation had been necessary – but in the interim he had let her lie in bed without asking if she wanted something to eat, let her lie in a hospital bed alone, when he knew that he would be her only visitor. After the operation there were further complications, leading to three emergency room visits. He was so uncomfortable sitting with her, that she felt badly keeping him there and encouraged him to go home. She began to feel that he had some sort of emotional problem – and told him so. That didn’t go over very well.
That was juxtapositioned against an industrial accident in which his son lost part of his hand. He drove to the hospital everyday for a week, staying all day. She knew then that he was capable of caring, he just wasn’t caring toward her. She felt as though she had been used, that her love had been one-sided.
She realized that she had been depressed by his lack of caring and missing the intimacy and companionship that a real relationship should bring. She stopped doing and giving to him and he became unhappy too.
So it ended. But the pain of separation was there and the thought of having no one to lean on was depressing. She would go on, survive, enjoy male company – but would she dare give her heart away again? Could she fall in love, openly giving of herself, openly desiring a deep, meaningful relationship, leaving herself unprotected and open to abuse?
“They” say it takes time and only time will tell, but she -- I am optimistic. I look forward to a new beginning, new opportunities, new adventures, new people; perhaps even a new relationship…
Rosalind 12:15 AM
Thoughts on a concert:
It was a gray, damp and cool October afternoon and what better way to spend it, I thought, then at a good symphony concert performing master works. So I headed downtown for the afternoon to make the pre-concert talk at 2:00 pm.
The ticket was $49 and I was well pleased with my aisle seat from which I had a great view of the stage and yet I was still in the center of the beautiful Pennsylvania Forum auditorium. The ceiling holds an interesting view of the heavens and is very formal as is the Capitol Building I had visited the previous weekend with Les.
The pre-concert talk was informative, but unfortunately ruined the first piece for me as I tried to interpret Don Juan as a trip along the Rhine. It certainly did not fit.
I bought the CD of the Israeli pianist, Alon Goldstein, who played the second piece, Rachmaninoff’s Variation on a Theme of Paganini. I haven’t listened to it yet.
During the post-concert talk all three musicians stated that each rendering of a musical piece was a “first time”, an new act of creation, as you never really could predict how a piece would actualize.
I asked a question as well, of the concertmaster, soloist and the conductor at the post-concert talk.
“I studied music in grade school, high school and college and yet, I was so happy not to be on that stage. At what point did you make the decision to make music your life’s work?”
Each answered differently. The concertmaster said that he had no choice. Both his parents were musicians and they put the violin in his hands and said that he was to learn it. He later learned to appreciate the intricacies of classical music.
The soloist bemoaned some of the hardships of being a professional musician, I assumed similar to the reasons that I was so relieved not be up on the stage – having to perform, being on your game… But he also spoke of the interesting people he has met and places that he has traveled to.
(This brings to mind, in an aside, how the poor Obama performance at the first debate will influence the election).
The conductor said that he sort of fell into it when he discovered that he had a “prodigious talent” for sight reading classical music. Up to then he had been the musical director of high school and college plays and assumed that he would be working on Broadway.
For all three, each was encouraged along the way by accolades of their talent. For me, when I look back at my own life’s decisions, I realize that the only thing that I have ever been praised and encouraged for was my breasts. No wonder, women have a tendency to flounder when trying to find a life’s work.
From the concertmaster, I also realized that my decision to follow through with a career in computer programming made it an even playing field for me, as at that time, there were few people who could pass down “tricks of the trade” to their offspring, therefore giving them an advantage – as one of my music professors pointed out as he discouraged me from a musical career.
Both Bill Gates and Steve Jobs grew up in Silicon Valley where they were given help, encouragement and pointers by neighborhood engineers. Imagine me going into garages with my nubile body at 14 or 17! Scandal…
Afterthoughts:
But, all in all, I am well pleased with my place in life at this moment in time. I do miss not being loved for most of my life, a lack of family, but I have a lucrative, interesting job, a lovely piece of property – although it is a bit of a money pit - and enough men around to make life less boring and lonely.
I do have this scare of melanoma on the side of my nose near my right eye. It has indeed darkened in the past year. I have an appointment with the dermatologist to biopsy it next week. Perhaps thoughts of mortality will be on my mind, as it really has been for awhile.
I had to put Snowball down last Friday and I cried. He has been intimately in my life the longest of any living thing, except for the philodendron given to me by my ex-mother-in-law. I buried him in the backyard. I unfortunately got smacked in the face with poison ivy and now have welts on my cheek and neck, perhaps as self-inflicted punishment for my feelings of relief at no longer having to care for my aging little guy.
Time does seem to rush on. I want to make the most of it. This blog is a part of my wish to leave something behind. I can’t say that my chosen work has left any great marks. I only have the one son, an estranged step-daughter and her two children, and an estranged daughter-in-law that separates me from my grandchildren, one of whom I don’t even know the gender. I will not have a big ta-do as a funeral as no one would come; just a quiet cremation and burial next to my sister, Louise; like I buried Snowball – quietly and quickly. I should make better plans. Another thing for the to-do list…
I finally got the logs put down on the bank of the on the property on Saturday – thanks to the help of Les. (Hopefully, I will not cause some sort of dangerous situation, if my “engineering” does not remain sturdy.) It was a big job and I certainly would not tackle anything like that again. I feel the tiredness in my body. That too may be part of my legacy – slowing the erosion of the hill. LOL.
Still to go: the ROOF, buying paint and painting the wood on the foundation of the sunroom, putting up and painting some lattice works, finishing up the hedges, gathering up all the cuttings, preparing the vegetable garden for next spring, tending to my new flower garden chores, and of course, the gathering of leaves still to cover the yard. Also, there is the power washing of the house siding, but that may have to wait until spring. I also have to make a decision whether to buy a carpet cleaner or get someone in to dry clean it again. (I believe that I will get that carpet cleaning machine today). And there is that pesky kitchen floor to clean as well as clothes washing to do along with putting out the garbage. I should buy a second cabinet for the dining room for when Mike takes his cabinet back and measure and look for pictures to replace his. I MUST sign the papers for the insurance on the New Mexico property and pay my current bills.
I have added more as I thought longer about this list. I must call the electrician and price and buy a 220 generator for the pump, get some paint chips and buy paint to touch up the bathroom walls, and call about the installation of the storm door that I bought a few weeks ago. Also, I should contact the painter for the kitchen, doors and pool room wall as well a look for a window replacement for the living room. Then there is the new bath and shower to put in, also fixing up the laundry room and buying and installing a new pool heater, and getting the driveway done, new floors… Thoughts of a stairwell to the basement with a finished room entertain my thoughts… I hope that I remain working for the next few years!
I am pleased that I have already checked off many of the things on my to-do list: the logs, most of the hedge cutting, getting, framing and putting up the living room pictures, putting together the dining room cabinet, moving in a new dining room table, getting new carpets and a bath mat for the bathroom, vacuuming the pool area again, taking care of the lawn mower and tractor maintenance and repair, handling and getting the battery for the garage door opener, getting the cable hooked up in the bedroom for the television, handling and getting a new battery for the car, putting up the drapes in the sunroom (and also vacuuming it).
I do believe that the relationship with Mike, as much as I dearly lusted for him, was holding me back. When I review the things that I have done since he walked out of my life, I realize that I had compromised my needs and wants and interests for the relationship and had been influenced by his lack of motivation to DO anything.
I am sure it is not a total keep-busy act on my part. I really enjoy working on fixing my little corner of the world. I did learn that much from Charlie. I have enjoyed the activities that I have engaged in also; visiting Longwood Gardens, the Gettysburg horseback riding tour of the battlefield, playing par 3 golf, the hike up Hawk Mountain, the tour of the Capitol, seeing the IMAX films, going to the Harrisburg Symphony concert, meeting new people, eating out, interesting conversations, taking time to meet old friends.
It has definitely been a good and productive 7 weeks (or more considering a bit of cheating before Mike actually moved out).
Rosalind 12:02 AM
Wednesday, October 03, 2012
An octopus curled
In the mountain gaps. The mist
Rising from the trees.
Rosalind 3:15 PM
Hurt by not being loved --- again.
Abandonment, bewilderment as to
Why me?
It is painful and brings tears to the eyes,
Shortness of breath,
Almost a quiet pant.
How could I endure in that relationship for four years?
Such obvious behaviors that I chose to overlook as
Eccentricities or minor mental issues.
I recognized my foolishness.
This time much sooner than
In the case of Charlie;
And I took it to its limits
Either talk, change or get out
And out he went.
But that doesn't stop the hurt,
The bleeding inside,
The sense of loss.
Oh, I will endure.
I always have and I will come
Out better for the experience.
But in the meantime,
Keeping busy and active
Seems to quiet the emotions.
The house and yard will
Reap the benefits.
And so will I.
New people,
New opportunities,
New freedoms.
Time for change,
Spiritual growth,
Intellectual expansion.
Yes, I will endure.
Yes, I will be more.
Yes…
"It is better to have loved
And lost, then
Never to have loved".
(Originally written 8/30/2012)
Rosalind 2:56 PM
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