Friday, January 25, 2013
Written 12/06/2012
I have been under sexual assault these past 4 months. Just because I put my name out on a dating site, does not mean that I am looking for a sexual relationship right away. I want to be loved for me, not my sexual parts and expertise.
So, who am I that someone could love?
I am responsible
Fiscally sound
I work hard
I am spiritually oriented
I try to give love
Intelligent
Good conversationalist
Good listener
Good friend
Problems:
Sexually shy – for good reason
I can lose my temper, but usually only when my buttons are pushed
I don’t feel good about my body image – for good reason
I can get immobilized when depressed, but that is getting more rare
What do I enjoy doing?
Working in my yard
Loving my dog
Watching tv shows that I can learn from
Dining out – especially when not alone
Good conversation on a variety of topics, news, spirituality, new ideas, politics
Losing weight healthfully
Looking goooood
Learning
Following my spiritual bent, whether in discussion, meditation and prayer, reading, quiet time, listening to talks on spirituality
I LOVE AND TOTALLY ENJOY BEING FREE from relationship compromises – music (I like classical almost exclusively), eating (what, when, how prepared, where), sexuality (how often, foreplay, positions, oral sex), activities and entertainment (what, how often, where, with whom), house and yard work (how to split chores, level of care in work, things needing to be done vs doing extra vs things that can wait)
Travel – beach, keeping in touch with relatives, exploring new cities, listening to classical music on the way,..
Playing computer duplicate bridge – a computer partner, no fuss, no muss
Rosalind 8:49 AM
Written 12/10/2012
No news on who I am. Still intelligent, fairly healthy, strong – but I lose my balance, get leg cramps. How will I age? Will this long trip be my last?
I am looking forward to “My Big Adventure”. I will be visiting relatives and friends. But what does it mean? Will I find out more of who I am? What am I made of? What is my purpose?
This earth, just a tiny spot in the universe, brimming with intelligent animals who are questioning existence and its meaning. I am a speck among the myriads. I have no answers, sometimes not even any questions. Is there a spiritual realm? What are Dark Matter and Dark Energy? How does the infinitesimal creation and destruction of tiny particles/waves give rise to a living organism that can shape its environment to some extent?
Will humankind venture into space to ensure continuity of our species and other species of our planet? Are we alone?
On a much smaller note, what will my having lived mean? Am I making the best use of my time that is left?
I do believe that my spiritual quest involves connecting my inner spirituality to the outer spirituality to gain the energy to love and do good, and to have another way of knowing. Yet, often, it is an empty exercise, the connection just a gossamer thread that lacks a reality and is distanced from ordinary living.
To make that connection, do I need to find a more active outlet in good works, or is being a money maker and giver enough? I do get lost in the busy-ness of ordinary life - eating, sleeping, healthful living, working, finding companionship, keeping up connections with family and friends, chores…In some ways, it is too selfish. Perhaps the problem lies here. But is there more of me to give?
Part of this “Big Adventure” will be a time for reflection, contemplation and prayer. I need to connect to my inner core and to that outer power. I will journal, take pictures, document my personal retreat. I will look for meaning, hidden truths, subtle changes, whispers from who-knows-where.
Rosalind 8:49 AM
Written 1/23/2013
My overriding desire is to belong somewhere to something or someone. I must feel comfortable. A one-on-one relationship in the past years has been the area where I have found succor. Groups have been painfully rejecting. This last relationship with Mike turned out to be rejecting also and it hurt.
It is fun to watch the courtship dance that George and I are engaging in, but will it last? Will, in the end, I be turned down in my bid for intimacy, for closeness, for love? We fit in areas like intellectual discussion, working out, day outings, eating out. But George is not on a spiritual path and that is vitally important to me. He is more into the physical aspects of the relationship. He is going slowly and I am gaining interest in that area of my being as one to explore and evolve, especially if we emphasize the sensual side in the beginning. Buying the massage table may be the expression of commitment that I am looking for, as I do believe that he is still in love with Chrissy. I am but a diversion from that pain. Is George just a diversion from the pain of my breakup with Mike?
My Big Adventure turned out in the end, to be an attempt to feel a family around me, to make connections that are so easily destroyed by distance. I am interested in becoming the Family History Keeper as passed on from Len Nadel. But he is showing hesitancy and it is hurting me somewhere deep down. Can’t I even really belong in my own family? (Len answered my email immediately, this morning – is there really hesitancy?)
My place at Highmark is in jeopardy now, or at least I feel that pressure, due to the failure of the Exchanger plan to make the deadline. (Jim Kallam said the he NEEDS me on his team! Again are my doubts about myself unrealistic?) No one has said anything to me yet, but I feel that I have been rejected by the CSS team and that is the cause of my dispensability. I was not really a part of the Exchanger team so I can take no part in the blame for the failure, but my inability to “keep my place”, and a very lowly place at that, is basically the reason for my rejected status. My talents are not really appreciated or used here and perhaps it is time to move on. It is just good to work in the proximity of my home, rather than being out of town. I also have to consider Missy now.
To feel alone in the world is a very distressing situation. It leaves the Higher Power as my source of strength and belonging. But my ability to open to that transcendence is transitory, fleeting and ephemeral. That is the reason that my spiritual path is such an important part of my current life; it forces me to look at myself to open to the transcendence, to make a more permanent connection. I need that security and feelings of being loved, appreciated and cared for.
Notes from Spiritual Makeover: Ten Practices for Falling in Love with Your Life by Sirah Vettese
Synchronicity is auspicious coincidence. (Jung’s term is the Buddhist traditional definition)
Marianne Williamson - “One moment of enlightened awareness doesn’t completely transform your life. The spiritual path is slow and arduous at times, as every single circumstance becomes the ground on which both the ego and spirit seek to make their stand. Spiritual practice is like physical exercise: it has a cumulative effect, and if we want to enjoy its benefits, we can never stop doing it.”
Sufi mystic Rumi “Don’t turn away. Keep your gaze on the bandaged place. That’s where the light enters in.”
Gordon Wright – “The past is never completely lost, however extensive the devastation. Your sorrows are the bricks and mortar of a magnificent temple. What you are today and what you will be tomorrow are because of what you have been.”
My emotional weakness – fear of abandonment. It has happened before and it will happen again. I will be looking for intimacy, closeness, love and it will be given at first – but it dies away and I am left alone – again. Can I find self-sufficiency in my aloneness? I hide behind my spiritual journey, but is that really a substitute for human intimacy? Others have chosen to live a single life and indeed chosen that life to be closer to the Higher Power over human intimacy. Am I headed on that path? Or will I be brave enough to try again, overcoming my fear of abandonment?
My mental weakness – waster of my precious time. I can go into a funk and accomplish absolutely nothing, wiling away my time watching television shows – good ones to be sure but still a time-filler. I am trying to use my spiritual journey as a protector and destroyer of these funks. I use my insights to create to-do lists to get through some of the necessary things. That will allow me time to write, observe myself, try to make sense of my life by putting it in perspective, finding and setting goals. Are there ways that I can be more creative, bring things to life, build, beautify? I take stewardship of my home seriously. I take my spiritual journey seriously. I take my search for intimacy and love seriously. I take my search for meaning seriously. Do I have an idea that I can uniquely contribute to humanity? Should I take looking for that idea seriously too? What happens if I find that idea and no one picks up on it as happened with George. That is painful.
My physical weakness – my body self-image is damaged as well as having an unhealthy view on my sexuality. Due to physical ailments and subsequent operations my body image is damaged. Mostly it is hidden beneath my clothes and I don’t often choose to expose myself. Did my openness with Mike hasten his abandonment? My sexuality is hampered by not only my body image but the germiness of the whole thing. Will I give anybody a disease?
My spiritual weakness – my relationship with my Higher Power is ephemeral and so on and off. I would like to develop more discipline in my spiritual practices that my relationship with my Higher Power becomes more constant, one that I can turn to whenever I get into a funk or bad times. I am journaling here because I want that relationship to grow stronger, for me to understand my inner workings more clearly so that I can align with the universe, create, love, build, beautify, discover a new and unique idea…”to walk humbly with my God”.
Rosalind 8:44 AM
Thursday, January 17, 2013
The Real “I”
The real “I” is the awareness, the consciousness that is a drop in the ocean of Awareness/Consciousness surrounding everything. You too are part of the Awareness/Consciousness – the degree of your participation depends upon how aware and conscious your “I” is aware and conscious that you are part of the Awareness/Consciousness surrounding everything.
Opening ourselves to the Awareness/Consciousness, allowing it to flow through us, to shine upon us, we become, we flourish. We are the anti-entropic energy building, allowing more complexity, growing. We are the hands, the builders, the manipulators of matter. We receive feedback about that creation through our senses. Is the the Awareness/Consciousness aware and conscious of our creations, our senses?
What is it that we build when in contact with the Awareness/Consciousness: loving, nurturing, sustaining environments conducive to awareness and consciousness and more life? Blocked off from the Awareness/Consciousness do we build our Hells? We can only test this.
So the first part of a spiritual journey is clearing the way for our melding with the Awareness/Consciousness. We know that our true selves are not the matter surrounding us. They also are not our thoughts, our emotions, our bodies, our intellectual gymnastics, our histories. Once we realize we are a drop in the Awareness/Consciousness we can tap into its energy, its insights, its purposes – leaving behind our petty thoughts, emotions and mental constructs. Now the real purpose of our lives can begin.
We must take the time to focus our awareness and consciousness on melding with the Awareness/Consciousness – commonly called meditation, prayer. The whisper of the purposes of our lives will become, will take flight – at least, that is the promise. We will know how to act, to build, to love, to create that is in tune with the purposes of the Awareness/Consciousness.
Our time will end but our creations will mark our brief existences. Do good. Live well. Make your time count.
Rosalind 12:56 PM
Tuesday, October 09, 2012
And It Is Over
August 12, 2012
She realized that her cat was the living being that she had resided with longer than anyone or anything else - ever. That made her sad. And the cat was sick now and his time was coming to the end. She knew she would cry inconsolably when she had to put him down. There was the dog at least for awhile longer. But she was aging too and had slowed down considerably.
The last man in her life was one she had loved, enjoyed looking at, thrilled when they were close. But being close was a very rare occurrence. They seldom did anything together, squabbled when they did, never talked about their relationship, their sex life was poor and they didn’t share common life plans or goals.
She loved dining out, taking walks, visiting museums and cities, working in the yard and gardens, playing bridge online and watching science shows and documentaries on TV. He liked hunting and fishing, combing through the world wide web for hours, making believe that he had a close family (his mother was still living and he had 4 sons, 5 siblings and umpteen nieces and nephews) and watching sports, hunting and fishing shows, cowboy and action movies like Kill Bill. They both enjoyed the ocean, but he fished and she walked the beach alone.
She wanted to save up to retire with a healthy nest egg and invest in fixing the house up as part of that goal. He loved to spend money and always ordered extras on the rare occasions when they ate out raising the bill unnecessarily. He didn’t enjoy working in the yard, or fixing things in the house. She did not enjoy deep housecleaning – always putting off until it had to be done – although she did keep up with the clutter and dishes.
That meant hiring people to clean, to fix and to maintain their dwelling – a very expensive proposition that took away from her goal of a non-poor retirement. He wanted to spend money on guns and hunting gear. Deer season and college football season were a very important part of his life. She wondered how he would fare now that his beloved Penn State and Joe Pa had fallen mightily. He refused to help move the logs from a cut down tree – she was doing it herself. He refused to help dig up a new location for a vegetable garden that was sunnier – she did it herself. She knew that the fall hedge clipping and leaf raking would be a nightmare again – his endless complaining and griping and her doing most of the labor.
The worst had been her adjustment to an intestinal operation she had undergone 9 months before she had met him. The operation was successful at first, but her guts had a tendency to twist especially when she got emotionally stressed. It had lead to a long bout of anemia and dehydration. A second operation had been necessary – but in the interim he had let her lie in bed without asking if she wanted something to eat, let her lie in a hospital bed alone, when he knew that he would be her only visitor. After the operation there were further complications, leading to three emergency room visits. He was so uncomfortable sitting with her, that she felt badly keeping him there and encouraged him to go home. She began to feel that he had some sort of emotional problem – and told him so. That didn’t go over very well.
That was juxtapositioned against an industrial accident in which his son lost part of his hand. He drove to the hospital everyday for a week, staying all day. She knew then that he was capable of caring, he just wasn’t caring toward her. She felt as though she had been used, that her love had been one-sided.
She realized that she had been depressed by his lack of caring and missing the intimacy and companionship that a real relationship should bring. She stopped doing and giving to him and he became unhappy too.
So it ended. But the pain of separation was there and the thought of having no one to lean on was depressing. She would go on, survive, enjoy male company – but would she dare give her heart away again? Could she fall in love, openly giving of herself, openly desiring a deep, meaningful relationship, leaving herself unprotected and open to abuse?
“They” say it takes time and only time will tell, but she -- I am optimistic. I look forward to a new beginning, new opportunities, new adventures, new people; perhaps even a new relationship…
Rosalind 12:15 AM
Thoughts on a concert:
It was a gray, damp and cool October afternoon and what better way to spend it, I thought, then at a good symphony concert performing master works. So I headed downtown for the afternoon to make the pre-concert talk at 2:00 pm.
The ticket was $49 and I was well pleased with my aisle seat from which I had a great view of the stage and yet I was still in the center of the beautiful Pennsylvania Forum auditorium. The ceiling holds an interesting view of the heavens and is very formal as is the Capitol Building I had visited the previous weekend with Les.
The pre-concert talk was informative, but unfortunately ruined the first piece for me as I tried to interpret Don Juan as a trip along the Rhine. It certainly did not fit.
I bought the CD of the Israeli pianist, Alon Goldstein, who played the second piece, Rachmaninoff’s Variation on a Theme of Paganini. I haven’t listened to it yet.
During the post-concert talk all three musicians stated that each rendering of a musical piece was a “first time”, an new act of creation, as you never really could predict how a piece would actualize.
I asked a question as well, of the concertmaster, soloist and the conductor at the post-concert talk.
“I studied music in grade school, high school and college and yet, I was so happy not to be on that stage. At what point did you make the decision to make music your life’s work?”
Each answered differently. The concertmaster said that he had no choice. Both his parents were musicians and they put the violin in his hands and said that he was to learn it. He later learned to appreciate the intricacies of classical music.
The soloist bemoaned some of the hardships of being a professional musician, I assumed similar to the reasons that I was so relieved not be up on the stage – having to perform, being on your game… But he also spoke of the interesting people he has met and places that he has traveled to.
(This brings to mind, in an aside, how the poor Obama performance at the first debate will influence the election).
The conductor said that he sort of fell into it when he discovered that he had a “prodigious talent” for sight reading classical music. Up to then he had been the musical director of high school and college plays and assumed that he would be working on Broadway.
For all three, each was encouraged along the way by accolades of their talent. For me, when I look back at my own life’s decisions, I realize that the only thing that I have ever been praised and encouraged for was my breasts. No wonder, women have a tendency to flounder when trying to find a life’s work.
From the concertmaster, I also realized that my decision to follow through with a career in computer programming made it an even playing field for me, as at that time, there were few people who could pass down “tricks of the trade” to their offspring, therefore giving them an advantage – as one of my music professors pointed out as he discouraged me from a musical career.
Both Bill Gates and Steve Jobs grew up in Silicon Valley where they were given help, encouragement and pointers by neighborhood engineers. Imagine me going into garages with my nubile body at 14 or 17! Scandal…
Afterthoughts:
But, all in all, I am well pleased with my place in life at this moment in time. I do miss not being loved for most of my life, a lack of family, but I have a lucrative, interesting job, a lovely piece of property – although it is a bit of a money pit - and enough men around to make life less boring and lonely.
I do have this scare of melanoma on the side of my nose near my right eye. It has indeed darkened in the past year. I have an appointment with the dermatologist to biopsy it next week. Perhaps thoughts of mortality will be on my mind, as it really has been for awhile.
I had to put Snowball down last Friday and I cried. He has been intimately in my life the longest of any living thing, except for the philodendron given to me by my ex-mother-in-law. I buried him in the backyard. I unfortunately got smacked in the face with poison ivy and now have welts on my cheek and neck, perhaps as self-inflicted punishment for my feelings of relief at no longer having to care for my aging little guy.
Time does seem to rush on. I want to make the most of it. This blog is a part of my wish to leave something behind. I can’t say that my chosen work has left any great marks. I only have the one son, an estranged step-daughter and her two children, and an estranged daughter-in-law that separates me from my grandchildren, one of whom I don’t even know the gender. I will not have a big ta-do as a funeral as no one would come; just a quiet cremation and burial next to my sister, Louise; like I buried Snowball – quietly and quickly. I should make better plans. Another thing for the to-do list…
I finally got the logs put down on the bank of the on the property on Saturday – thanks to the help of Les. (Hopefully, I will not cause some sort of dangerous situation, if my “engineering” does not remain sturdy.) It was a big job and I certainly would not tackle anything like that again. I feel the tiredness in my body. That too may be part of my legacy – slowing the erosion of the hill. LOL.
Still to go: the ROOF, buying paint and painting the wood on the foundation of the sunroom, putting up and painting some lattice works, finishing up the hedges, gathering up all the cuttings, preparing the vegetable garden for next spring, tending to my new flower garden chores, and of course, the gathering of leaves still to cover the yard. Also, there is the power washing of the house siding, but that may have to wait until spring. I also have to make a decision whether to buy a carpet cleaner or get someone in to dry clean it again. (I believe that I will get that carpet cleaning machine today). And there is that pesky kitchen floor to clean as well as clothes washing to do along with putting out the garbage. I should buy a second cabinet for the dining room for when Mike takes his cabinet back and measure and look for pictures to replace his. I MUST sign the papers for the insurance on the New Mexico property and pay my current bills.
I have added more as I thought longer about this list. I must call the electrician and price and buy a 220 generator for the pump, get some paint chips and buy paint to touch up the bathroom walls, and call about the installation of the storm door that I bought a few weeks ago. Also, I should contact the painter for the kitchen, doors and pool room wall as well a look for a window replacement for the living room. Then there is the new bath and shower to put in, also fixing up the laundry room and buying and installing a new pool heater, and getting the driveway done, new floors… Thoughts of a stairwell to the basement with a finished room entertain my thoughts… I hope that I remain working for the next few years!
I am pleased that I have already checked off many of the things on my to-do list: the logs, most of the hedge cutting, getting, framing and putting up the living room pictures, putting together the dining room cabinet, moving in a new dining room table, getting new carpets and a bath mat for the bathroom, vacuuming the pool area again, taking care of the lawn mower and tractor maintenance and repair, handling and getting the battery for the garage door opener, getting the cable hooked up in the bedroom for the television, handling and getting a new battery for the car, putting up the drapes in the sunroom (and also vacuuming it).
I do believe that the relationship with Mike, as much as I dearly lusted for him, was holding me back. When I review the things that I have done since he walked out of my life, I realize that I had compromised my needs and wants and interests for the relationship and had been influenced by his lack of motivation to DO anything.
I am sure it is not a total keep-busy act on my part. I really enjoy working on fixing my little corner of the world. I did learn that much from Charlie. I have enjoyed the activities that I have engaged in also; visiting Longwood Gardens, the Gettysburg horseback riding tour of the battlefield, playing par 3 golf, the hike up Hawk Mountain, the tour of the Capitol, seeing the IMAX films, going to the Harrisburg Symphony concert, meeting new people, eating out, interesting conversations, taking time to meet old friends.
It has definitely been a good and productive 7 weeks (or more considering a bit of cheating before Mike actually moved out).
Rosalind 12:02 AM
Wednesday, October 03, 2012
An octopus curled
In the mountain gaps. The mist
Rising from the trees.
Rosalind 3:15 PM
Hurt by not being loved --- again.
Abandonment, bewilderment as to
Why me?
It is painful and brings tears to the eyes,
Shortness of breath,
Almost a quiet pant.
How could I endure in that relationship for four years?
Such obvious behaviors that I chose to overlook as
Eccentricities or minor mental issues.
I recognized my foolishness.
This time much sooner than
In the case of Charlie;
And I took it to its limits
Either talk, change or get out
And out he went.
But that doesn't stop the hurt,
The bleeding inside,
The sense of loss.
Oh, I will endure.
I always have and I will come
Out better for the experience.
But in the meantime,
Keeping busy and active
Seems to quiet the emotions.
The house and yard will
Reap the benefits.
And so will I.
New people,
New opportunities,
New freedoms.
Time for change,
Spiritual growth,
Intellectual expansion.
Yes, I will endure.
Yes, I will be more.
Yes…
"It is better to have loved
And lost, then
Never to have loved".
(Originally written 8/30/2012)
Rosalind 2:56 PM
Thursday, August 30, 2012
Mike and I are history. Just reading back over some old posts, creates a sense of loss of what he had at the beginning. It was just too hard to give in to each other's eccentricities.
But new things are happening. I have done more in just these few weeks than Mike and I did in the last six months - so it has been exciting:
Eaten out at different restaurants
Played 3 Par Golf
Visited Longwood Gardens
Played trivia and enjoyed hot wings at Arooga's
Received a Samsung Tablet, an original charcoal drawing, an awful modern piece of art, a bottle of champagne (a gift to celebrate my new freedom) and flowers!
Not all men have been generous, but I was sure surprised.
I am working at Highmark as a contractor. The contract is over in October, so I am hoping that it will be renewed. If not, I will be having to make some big decisions.
I bought into a Verizon personal hotspot so I can take my Internet access just about everywhere. I am loving it although the data is limited to 4 gigs I have hardly put a dent in it.
So no great thoughts, but got myself up-to-date.
Rosalind 1:53 AM
Thursday, October 06, 2011
It has been so long since I have written to this blog. I have long since quit my long-term job, worked out of town for 6 months, and I am now back working in Hershey. Life has gone on. Mike and I are doing fine. I built a sunroom off of the bedroom. I spend alot of time in there. My tv is there along with a comfortable recliner. I do have my desk in there too as I am continuing to take classes to get myself ready for working on a PhD as soon as I retire. I have no idea about a thesis, but I am hoping that once I am immersed in the intellectual atmosphere of the university system, that a golden idea will emerge from a freshly stimulated brain!
Snowball, my cat, has a thyroid problem, but otherwise he is fine. Missy, my dog, has grown fat and much less active in her old age, but she is still healthy. Suela, my granddaughter is growing so quickly. Her other grandmother is sick so she and Amanda, my ex-daughter-in-law are living back with Suela's grandparent's home to help out. I have gotten back in to touch with Kimberly and I babysat for her two children, Colin and Aubree last month. Ray is still unfriendly. I am in touch with my first cousins occasionally and I visited Bruce this summer. Kristi is in her sophomore year at University of Penn.
Mike's oldest son was 26 this week and his youngest is junior in high school. We will be visiting with them all at his mother's home this weekend.
My health is doing much better after last year's fix-it surgery. At least I am not the invalid that I believed that I would be. Unfortunately, I still owe the doctor $7500. I will pay it off slowly.
I am trying to start exercising again as I am slowly gaining weight. Today I did 20 minutes on the glider, plus I am trying to speed walk from the parking lot in Hershey to the office. My blood sugar has gone up since the weight gain so I have to take my exercise plan very seriously. Unfortunately, my electrolytes still remain on the edge and I suffer from leg cramps almost every night - especially when I have exercised.
Connie Walter died a few weeks ago. That was a terrible experience for her. I hope that my visits did something to aid her pain. I only hope that I do not go through a spiritual cleansing like she did, abandonment and astonishing hurt. But she is glad to be in heaven with her dear friend Beverly. BR&CF is having a special dinner for her next week. Although I really don't want to go and be with those people, I want to go to honor Connie. She deserved it.
I am disappointed that I haven't made any lasting friends. I do have some acquaintances and there is Mike and Bruce and my first cousins Abby, Harriet, Diane, Eddie and Norma, but other than that I feel quite alone in the world. Carol, Diane, Linda, Lisette, Fariha, Betty, Susan - all have about disappeared from my life. They are glad to catch-up if I call or contact them, but they never get in touch with me. I must admit that this is one of the big disappointments in my life - no close friends. I wonder what the future will bring.
Well, that is about it for now.Labels: A Catch Up
Rosalind 12:57 PM
Sunday, August 22, 2010
"Your soul is the real you! Therefore, if you can identify with the desires of the soul, it will satisfy the needs of the real you...The ultimate desire of the soul is to live fully, vibrantly with every fiber of your being to do what's meaningful, what's right, what's productive."
Rabbi Kalman Packouz
Now that is it over 4 weeks since my surgery in Los Angeles, it is time for me to start my life again. I am feeling good, strong, and in-balance although I tire easily.
Friday I got a brainstorm to take a VB programming course at the local community college. I started out at 9:30 AM by first getting my residency certificate so that I could get a cheaper rate. Then I went down to the college to apply and register. The application lady would not accept me because she didn't see English 101 and no online copy of my transcripts. (I had taken many courses there before!) So I had to sit and wait for special permission from an advisor. She then registered me in the course and then I had to wait in line to pay for the course, buy my very expensive book and get my ID and parking pass. I needed my car registration for the parking pass so I had to walk back to the car. I moved the car closer to the building where I needed to get the parking pass. Still I was tired. I then stopped at the pharmacy to buy a notebook and pick up a prescription. Of course, there had been problems with the prescription and it wasn't ready so I left. I stopped to by a sub at the local Subway and I finally got home at 2:30 PM. A long day, but I start my class tomorrow.
The cat is really sick. I have a vet appointment for him on Wednesday, but I might have to get him in early. It will cost more, but his face is all swollen from ulcers. He had one last week, but it was small and healing so I thought that there was no rush. But yesterday Mike and I noticed a second one, quite large and today his face is swollen. I hope this is not the end for Snowball. He is fifteen and although I will miss him, if getting his teeth fixed won't heal him, I will have to put him down. I will call Ron and Kimberly if I have to do that.
I have been applying for jobs online, but the market is slow. I probably will have to work out of town for awhile. I miss having money and having to scrimp and scrape to get by. I do enjoy the slower pace of my life - plenty of time to think and do little errands. Unfortunately, I spend too much time in front of the TV! I am hoping that the VB course will break that habit.
What is meaningful, right and productive for my life still lacks form. I keep searching but it eludes me. More time in meditation would help, but it is so hard to still the mind. I find that I don't think too much about the past, but I am constantly trying to plan my future. Some planning is necessary but not when I am trying to meditate!
Rosalind 3:08 PM
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